Its 12:46 am, and I really should be sleeping. But I cant
In fact I think im more than a bit insane.
Sure its muggy, and some chronic pain is being really fucking acute of late. Feels like im falling to pieces, odd thing is im tending to do it symmetrically and in sequence. Odd but that’s another matter, suffice to say its prob some virus, maybe even mild Dengue aftereffects, and that chronic pain is one reason I was up wondering tonight if its really ethical to intervene in someones suicide – I mean maybe they have good reason? And even if they don’t, what better reason can we give them to stick around? What reason that is that isn’t really just bullshit you made up then and there, usually designed to help us, not to miss them, or not to feel guilty or look culpable cos they topped themselves on our shift.
If you save them then don’t you owe them a great debt? Rather than the other way around? Might you owe them a very great deal of time, and a window into your life so they can see what makes you so fucking happy and content and absolutely sure that life is so fucking GRRRReat mate!
That said. And admitting to myself that I would try and stop a friend trying to top themselves, but also that id be doing so out of very selfish motivation. Like I said I can’t really offer them any good reason to live, except really that they’re a cunt for leaving me to it all alone.
I think perhaps more true to suggest that the depressed have a better handle on reality than the cheerful. We all know its only heading one way, and all the objective evidence supports the notion. Now or later what difference does it really make?
Im still wondering what the fuck im doing here. Don’t worry just yet, im not going anywhere just now , not by my own choice anyway. Truth is im amused by the game, and the puzzle.
Amused and mortified. Just to lay there sometimes, dumbfounded, being aware of being in my body, in this strange piece of malfunctioning and ageing meat that is said to be tied to for some further ill defined period, after which ill assume I then enter oblivion. It hardly seems worth it, you know? I lie there and think over and over… “is this it? Is this as good as it gets?”
If there is a point, then what is it? And if there isn’t, then why am I sticking around this somewhat tedious and uncomfortable party? Sure im babysitting the kids, theyre great! They don’t have a fucking clue about all this existentiality, and they tend to make me forget it for a while too. But even then – one day its going to hit them between the eyes too, and im sure I still wont have any real answers.
I loved my entheogens. Then some fucker put a heart condition in my lifes script. Western modernity made me unhappy before, but now ive had the entheogenic awakening, having to return is just bloody miserable. I have seriously considered whether its better to be dead than to live and never see through those myriad mescalysergic nitrified eyes again. I found my place in the universe, and now your asking me to settle? For just this?
Anyway.. what the fuck is going on just now? Im receiving it, and it’s a hunch im not the only one.
No , not like voices in my head, (we aren’t on speaking terms lately)
How to describe.. like Alice in wonderland.
Its like I’m Alice, and the world the Tea party. Except looking back down the telescope the other way I feel like im the mad hatter in others eyes. And perhaps I am, but you invited me after all.
You know sometimes people get paranoid. They think people are looking at them, or talking about them, well this is like that but even more hairy.
Imagine walking around happily, with a strange feeling that your head is really larger than it is. And sensing that other people don’t initially see this, but after engaging for a few minutes in conversation they do start to sense it, and then get bugged out and the meeting enters an endphase of Serious social awkwardness. In the end ive been leaving greetings with most people with a sense of – “well that didn’t go so well”
And man what with the acute sensitivity to halitosis lately? So many people have really bad breath. And lol its not me, well if I do at least then im not smelling my own im sure of that. Im sure its no worse than usual, but im really sensitive to it of late.
Just where have all the people gone. Im under a rock myself either digging myself deeper in a literary hole, or trying to kill the insanity of slow progress with some mind numbing games of computer chess, mahjong or free-cell. Im broke, offline and desperate, what else can I do
But wheres everyone else?
Ive noticed a wierd mood in the air lately. From about mid feb onwards. At first I thought id done something really bad, and everyone was hating me, but not telling me about it.
Then I started thinking back and couldn’t think of anything worthy or heinous enough for it all to make sense. Then I started looking closer.
Maybe its true I have done things wrong, but at the same time, everybody is doing it. People all over are seeming a little desperate and distracted in their behaviours and kinda antisocial. People aren’t returning their calls and emails just as much as ive been mine. People are being reclusive, it would seem, lol or at least if they are partying then nobody is telling me
At least 2 have expressed a sense of fragility, feeling hectic and off balance.
I get a strange feeling. Like a day at home, is like a week, and theres some kind of inertia or fatigue that just makes socializing seem – unlikely. And then theres the net, for those who have it at home, but even that sounds unappetizing.
Other people seem more social. Or at least seem to be reaching out for it, but in a non specific way. We all know we need to see more of our friends, but even those who know, are feeling the apathy.
People are expressing it differently, though I get a sense that people are owning it, or attributing it to others rather than seeing it as a shared but external force. Ive heard lots of people complaining about the weather lately. Frankly ive noticed nothing out of the ordinary, all in all it seems fairly mild actually. Not that hot, not that much rain.
What I think they are really complaining about, though they haven’t pinned it down, is “this”, whatever This is?
Anyway, im off it. That’s for sure. Realising im not quite alone in it helps greatly
Still, if it really is me. Please tell me! Cos im sorry, and im really fuckin bored and lonely lol
And FYI ive been mouthwashing twice a day. Love that peroxide Listerine. LOL
The shared model makes more sense given many peoples strange behavior. I hope its more true as it was/is all doing my head in.
I just want to get back to ‘the norm’. A few bbq’s, some laughter, few beers, a picnic, eat something that dilates my pupils. And get away from all this reserved tension. Although at the moment it feels like it never going to happen. Feels like im 75 already and looking back at was and can never be again
Hahaa.bullshit. its like social hypochondria. I feel like im dying, oh my god I ache, oh I must have bone cancer, my veins feellike they are being run through with ground glass and my joints are rotting through like an ex deep sea diver. My hands feel like a crippled 80 year old with rheumatoid arthritis, which I can say to you shows what is meant by “blinding pain” , which wakes you up at night and make you want to weep, and to which I REALLY hoping will soon resolve
Hmm well maybe some truth, funny thing is though a few weeks ago I felt much better! Its amazing how fast we can deteriorate!
Unless its mostly passing
Same I reckon goes for feeling reclusive, outdated, old, boring, annoying, unliked, judged, boxed and air platinum expressed to no-hoper-no-friendsville. Sure some of its true, but were probably exaggerating.
LOl. Im trustingthe penny has dropped and I can take for granted that’s all bullshit. Ive been in enough hairy Acid time perspective sumps to think I know whats going on
F uckn Feb march hey. Gotta bethe worst time of the year in the subtropics and tropics.
On the other hand, Perth is just getting good by march. So tell me….
Is this loopiness confined to Cairns and Townsville? Or has the contagion spread further?
Shit maybe it’s the fluoride? I knew it. Nobodys going to call me paranoid again
2:14. exit
